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 Have you ever felt so bad about yourself it physically hurts?
 Well, THAT didn't end well. 

I wake up yesterday to discover a strange message in my Facebook inbox. One of Tamara's friends asking me if it was true she was now with a guy. This was news to me, because as far as I knew, she was in a relationship with me. We'd been talking just the day before. So, I go to investigate. But to my surprise she's blocked and deleted me from, well everything. Myspace, facebook and msn.  

So still being completely confused and rather devastated, I sign onto her account and there you have it. "In a relationship with Sean Stafford". Well ok. Alright, cool. I won't tell you the amount of times she said "I'm gay, I like girls. Guys are wrong. I hate men. I like girls." Uh huuuh...

This would not have hurt nearly as deep if two days prior she hadn't said she's try to be a better girlfriend and that she loves me oh so much. 
Crazy coconut. 

So I message her, with a few questions, then hours pass no response. Then my inner bitch came out. That part of me that very few see, but you're very unfortunate if you do. I went on the offensive. I don't deserve to be treated like that, no one does. So I send the obligatory "I've never met someone more deceptive and spineless in my life bla bla bla etc etc" text.  

Had a good cry while my brother was out on his driving lesson. waa waa waa. 
Went out to watch Transformers 2(awesome btw)

Then I messaged her civilly in the afternoon, just saying "Can you answer me just one question?" to which she actually replied. SHOCK HORROR. 

"Of course i can"
"Did you even ever really love me?"
"Yes I never lied to you until Sunday. I blocked you because it's easier for you to hate me than feel what I do right now. You deserve so much better than me, you're amazing."
"I don't even understand how you could do this to me."
"Neither do I. You're so perfect, I'm so fucked up(YES YOU ARE)"

Along those sorts of lines.
Nope. I don't believe a word this girl says. she has issuuuueees. 
I can't believe she could actually treat ANYONE this way, let alone someone she claimed to care about so much. 
Lordy loo. 

Whatever.
As much as it hurts now. I do not want to be with someone who's capable of that. 
To be honest, I never really found myself trusting her anyways. Something always didn't sit right with me. Gotta trust your instincts I suppose. 

What i don't understand is how she just lost those feelings for me, in what? A few days? I did nothing but treat her well. Even when she didn't deserve it. If she even ever truly cared about me, she would of had the decency and courage to tell me exactly what was going on. If this were the case, it would've been so much less painful. I'd still actually have some respect for her. Because I'm well aware sometimes these things happen, other people come along.  But how is it she can still say now "you're so perfect" 'You're amazing". If this was really the case, why ditch me so thoughtlessly for a GUY you've known maybe a week? She's probably just in it for the convenience I feel...she was always a bit hush hush bout her sexuality. She told me she was too scared to change her relationship status when we were together because of all the questions she would be asked. I'm such a chump bahaha.

Oh well, I deserve better. I wouldn't want to waste anymore time with someone so many fucked up issues anyways. Even though it doesn't feel like it now, this is best. But honestly, I know she's going to regret this. I know it. And when she comes crawling back. Nope, sorry dear. I don't want anymore to be apart of your shitstorm.

Funny thing is, the psychic actually mentioned a relationship that would last 3-4 months, and the person I was with would be bad news, and have a loooot of issues. Lol yup. Oh, she also said when im with my 'forever' person, the 3-4 month person is going to try and claw their way back. Bahaha not going to happen.

Anyways, so that's my what happened. 
I refuse to get depressed about it. 
There's not point. 
I can't change what happened. I don't know if I'd even want to. I think if she had explained it to me civilly, it'd be harder to let go because I wouldn't have seen this repugnant part of who she is.  

So I shall go forth with a smile, thicker skin and some more smarts about me. 

Apr. 14th, 2009

I'm a little obsessed wit this song atm.
Lenka is an amazing Australian artist

Lenka - Don't let me fall

underneath the moon, underneath the stars
heres a little heart for you
up above the world, up above it all
heres a hand to hold on to

but if i should break, if i should fall away
what am i to do?
i need someone to take, a little of the weight
or ill fall through

Chorus:
you're just the one that i've been waiting for
i'll give you all that i have to give and more
but don't let me fall

take a little time, walk a little line
got the balance right
give a little love, gimme just enough
so that i can hang on tight

we will be alright, ill be by your side
i wont let you down
but i gotta know, no matter how things go
that you will be around

Chorus

Don’t let me fall

underneath the moon, underneath the stars
here’s a little heart for you
up above the world, up above it all
here’s a hand to hold on to

Chorus

you'll be the one that I’ll love forever more
ill be here holding you high above it all
but don’t let me fall





Mmm yeah
:]
Oh
Dear
GOD


There is the most ATTRACTIVE girl I have EVER seen in my LIFE who works at my gym. She is crazy gorgeous. I haven't seen someonethis good looking ever, celebrities included. Imagine if you will, Angelina but not so grossly thin, just the perfect weight, with tanned skin, the brightest greenest eyes you'e ever seen and an absolutely knock out smile. And you might be close. and the best thing about this? I heard she had a girlfriend the other day. Fuck. me. dead XD Not that i'm say I'd ever ever be with her. Dear god  she's WAY out of my league. But she's a major motivator to go to the gym everydy XD ahahaha Oh lord, she's so fuckin fine!

ANYWAYS

Relaunched my attmpts at weight loss fo 23904823th time but this time it's feel good and feeling different from the ohers, I'm amking sureto deal with the emotional ide of it and stuf so I don't go back to eat crapola. I'm beginnig to enjoy my exercise as well. I was at the gym or 2 and a half hours today/. work out. Lol felt great.  I'm aiming to lose 1.5kg a week.        Go Son!

I have so many tafe assessments due this week
I fail at life. Lol


Oh GAWD
I have to put up with STeph tmorrow...
mah.

Apr. 2nd, 2009

I'm listening to Planetshakers. It's a bit funny. I don't even know whythey're still on my playlist. But it's just interesting to realise, that the emotion and feelings that overwhelmed me during worship was never  the 'presence of god' but just plain and simple, the power of music itself. I felt the same sorts of things listening to these songs I felt during worship. It's just, human nature. Music is part of our coding. I dont know. Poop.

Freezepop - Swimming Pool makes me feel more emotional than  any youth songs did. But fuck me, that song isamazing. Forever andalways. It's my hope song. Everything about. Wah.  If it was a real man or woman,  would have hot hot romantic passionate sex with it, stay in bed with it the entire next day, then elope with it. Then w'd live happily ever after. Forever. 

So  want to moveto Melbourne, with Brianna. It would be, AMAZING. I'll finish this course then study further in Melbourne. I wanna live right in the city. I dont even care if we end up having to share  room. WEll..actually. THere are quitea few complications. But whatever. Anywys, it would be a veryvery elcome relief from the disgusting closed-mindedness and monotony of penrith. I can't stand living here. I hate it. It's so low bro.
Mmmm, culture and arts. 

Argh. Thissong. Makes me feel like everything is going to be okay. 

THere is the most amazingly gorgeous girl who works at my gym. I mean, I've probaly never eer seen someone better looking in my life. I hate her a little bit for it. She has an amazig personality too, so they hate isn't even justified. XD

Well this post. Was shit.         

Feb. 2nd, 2009

I forgot what  amazing yet devastating movie Requiem for a Dream was. That movie, is brilliant. Watched it again the other night with Bri. I think though, the most tragic story is the mothers. I mean, Harry had it coming to him. Everyone knows that coke and heroine are just hideous. But that woman had finally found purpose in her stagnant life, something she could look forward to and all she wanted was to look and be her best. Then ends up in a mental hospital. It's heart breaking.

The book seems to be available everywhere so I can't imgine I'll have too much trouble getting hold of it.

Oh god, I am in theWORST mood. And I have no idea. Well, that's a lie I do. I took 2 duromine and 2 fenphedra in an hour. Pretty fucking stupid, but it gets rid of my hunger. So whatever.  But I think it makes me really irritable. I'm getting infuriated at brianna for haivng her phone off. Ahah, I suck. But I just wanna go buy books! but no by myself. ahaha.

Anywakkas. Im off.
I fucking LOVE graveyards.
Or any place with heaps of spirit energies. I'm so into that stuff. Excites me. Being on Most Haunted would be the greatest job in the world! Ahahah.

Amanda and I went to a cemetery in Mulgoa tonight after the gym. We didn't go in because we didn't have torches and werw earing thongs. Lol. butwhile we were standing there, all animals were just going nuts, making so many noises. Then when they we heard clear footsteps. I'm not talking the scurrying of an animal, but slow heavy human footsteps! It was pretty brilliant. Amanda ran back to the car while I juststood there trying to work out if there was actually anyone there. Nope. Anyways, she's at the car going "Emma, open it, open t Emma!!" XD ahaha

Then I went back to her house and looked a some of th photos she'd taken the ight before there. THey were pretty fascinating, in one I could clearly see a man and a demon. Cool stuff.

So on Sunday I'm going back, and actually going in. Eeee

What is it about Linger - Cranberries,that makes me feel so hopeful? It's a negativ song! lol about her tryingtoget over someone.
Meh.

Oct. 26th, 2008

I went to a psychic today.
It was pretty much amazing.

She was so spot about current things in my life.
She talked about hwo very very soon there's a job opportunity coming up, the santa photo job, and how i'll be juggling this with another job.
Then she mentioned going down near wollongong for a day, and sil maddy and I  planned to go to jamberoo.
She was aso spot on about my ovarian condition thing

and she said in the nextfew weeks i'm going to meet a guy i need to be a bit suspicious of, though we will be in a relationship for 4 months before we end things. Then in April/May nex year I'll meet the man I'm going to marry, he's loyal and chivalrous! And we start out as really great friends then it moves into more. and he's a man in uniform! so like a cop or a soldier! eeee!

And she also said about my weight loss, that I will acheive it, I just need to change my approach. and that in 12 months time I'm just going to be a whole new person.

I just feel so recharged and have hope for the future.

I've always, ALWAYS believed in fate and destiny, that whatever has to happen will find a way and she started talking about tha and I was just like no fucking way. 

So I totally just bid on some tarot cards off of ebay :)
ahah

Happy :)
Reading over old posts.


This made me lol

" I'm just really uncomfortable with that..I don't want anything to do with drugs!"

Bahahaha!
How we change.

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